The past 3 and a half years of being a mother have felt much like a roller coaster ride of reality! There are moments when I have seen God in ways I had never seen Him before...as I look in the eyes of my children and kiss them goodnight...when Cole walks up to give Ryder a big hug and then looks in his eyes and kisses him before walking away to play...when Ryder says to Cora when she's crying, "It's okay sissy, I'm here...I'll take care of you..." There are so many times I have seen more of how God loves through the lives of my children. In the same way becoming a mother has shown me more of God, it has also shown me more of my need for Him. When left to my own strength, I see the worst in me emerge. My patience is thin, my energy low, my love seemingly full of limits. It is in these moments when I've come to end of myself that I am reminded of my first call...to love and be loved by my creator...the One who created me and my children alike. This family was His idea before it was ever mine :) He created each facet of every personality in our home and at the heart of all 5 of us is one similarity and it isn't the color of our eyes! We all desperately need a Savior...One who can save us from ourselves so we can learn to love one another and others well, so He may be known.
I returned from bible study tonight where we are studying the book and life of Esther. If you're unfamiliar with her story, you're not alone...I was too until I started to dig into the story of God's unique call on her life. She was a Jewish orphan who through incredible circumstances, became the Queen of Persia. Essentially, she won a beauty contest to gain her new position, but we know her path to the throne was paved much more purposely than that. God had called her to a life of heroic bravery. She was the most unlikely hero in the eyes of the culture of her day but according to God, she only needed to be willing, because she was already chosen. Read her story to hear the rest...it's really incredible.
Lately, I've needed to be reminded that God has CALLED me to be a mother to my little ones....I 've been chosen to serve them as Esther was chosen to serve her people. Becoming a mother of 3 was God's idea for me even before he gave me breath. Though I believe that with everything in me, I still have to choose JOY in the times when it's not so glamorous or picture perfect around here :) In those times to chose JOY is to take the narrow road...the one less traveled in the circumstance I'm in that calls more loudly for me to be discouraged or frustrated when something breaks, someone is less than kind to their brother, or all 3 need me at exactly the same time. Something I read in my homework for the week resonated in my spirit...
Beth Moore writes..."At some of the hardest times in my life, I have been able to make the more difficult choice out of pure blind-eyed, bent-kneed acceptance that it was somehow part of a greater plan. I was beaten by a conviction that throbbed relentlessly against my strong self-centeredness. As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when it was all said and done, I'd sit on that side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life."
Tonight...after a long few days of feeling inadequate as a mother, I sat on the couch with my little girl. John was typing, the boys were sleeping and I sat with her in my arms and looked into her eyes as she peaceful gazed at mine...as we stared, I took a deep breath, drinking in the magnitude of the moment. Here she was...perfectly perched at the beginning of her life everything ahead and very little behind. A blank slate, a fresh start for both of us. I have done this twice before and for some reason, experience has only made me more anxious...I know my limitations more now than ever...I know where I fall short, and it seemed the right time to let her know...and so with tears in my eyes I said...
"I love you sweet girl...I will make mistakes along the way though...I won't always be fast enough to catch you, or smart enough to answer all your questions. I can't protect you from all pain or promise that I'll be patient in all circumstances. And as much as I love you, I know now that my love won't even be enough for all you were created for...but I want you to know the One who is. He loves you more than I and His love never fails. He'll never leave you or forsake you. He'll be all than I'm not and more. You will never be in want when you are near to Him and His perfect love for you will cast out all your fears, my sweet one. I love you more than I can say, but your brothers have helped me learn that my love is not enough...it is only in the arms of Jesus when we'll know love that never fails. God loves you dear one...and for reasons I'll never understand...He loves me too. He loves me in all my brokenness and He's crazy about you too! What an overwhelming gift." It was at that moment I noticed my reflection in her eyes and realized what an important task I had to reflect the life, truth and love of Jesus since right now, all she sees is me...and just like Esther, my greatest challenge is to "overcome myself in order to do what God had created and positioned me to do."
I also learned tonight that the Latin root of the word courage is 'cor' meaning heart. My prayer is that Cora's name will always be a reminder to her and I that God has called us to be courageous in fulfilling the calling He's placed on our lives to love boldly, and without fear. God called us to this when He wrote in Proverbs 31:10, "A noble women who can find...she is worth far more than rubies..." Noble also means to be brave and have courage. From this verse it seems God places a high value on going forth boldly in His name with whatever it is He's called us to since we can be certain that He's placed us there for such a time as this...
Danice - this was such a beautiful post. I really enjoyed reading it. And today it seems to have come at a God-appointed time for me! Thank you for sharing your heart.
Hi there! I just found your blog through Heidi Marshalls' blog...and just wanted to say hello. Thank you for this post, as a fellow mom who is so very aware of her shortcomings, I truly appreciated it!
Well said Danice. For all the mom's who admit their short-comings and the one's who don't, it is refreshing to hear the truth. We ALL fall short. When we have friends who are honest with each other, we gain strength in knowing that we are not alone. Your post helps us all strive to do a little bit better tomorrow and to ask our Heavenly Father for the way to do that!