Hi all, John here…
Sometimes we forget things that have happened in our past. That’s just life I guess, but some experiences and people are worth taking time out to intentionally remember, to replay in our mind. I think that is what this post is about…not a narrative, not terribly organized….just remembering.
Yesterday was a very special day for our family. We write about Cole a lot on this blog, but today it’s appropriate to record a bit about Cole’s namesake. Cole Bryan got his middle name from my best friend Bryan Ruan. His birthday was yesterday.
I’ve been learning a lot about how we are molded by our culture…the people and experiences we interact with that shape who we are. If you were to look back at my 30 years on this earth, my “culture” would bear the mark of Bryan almost as heavily as the mark of Danice or my parents. I’m not sure that I like trying to create comparisons of who has influenced me most because in a way without Bryan’s friendship I don’t think I would have been “ready” to love Danice.
I learned a lot about empathy, about feeling, about listening from Bryan. Bryan passed away a few years back. It was one of the hardest times of my life.
..I called his phone one morning to talk. I was really excited because he was moving back to Southern California after a few years living in the Midwest. When I called he didn’t answer, instead his boss did. Our interaction on the phone was just kind of off. I wasn’t understanding him and he couldn’t understand me…not because the service was bad but looking back he thought I knew things that I didn’t at the time. Bryan had just been in the accident and the ambulance was taking him to the hospital when I called…but I had no idea that occurred…. until later that day when I received a text from my dear friend Mindi giving me the short message indicating he had been in the accident. I waited… I prayed… and then couldn’t wait any longer. I frantically found the phone numbers to all 10 hospitals in the area that he could have been taken to and started calling. Would you believe the first number was the right one? Somehow I got connected to his room and talked with his mom Roxie for a few minutes, just enough to get the details and know the situation was much more serious than I wanted to hear….
When I got the call that he passed away I remember being home alone. I collapsed to the ground and an outpouring of groans and screams mixed with tears in a way that I had never experienced before. The memory is seared into my mind…the feel of the carpet on my elbows and knees, the heat from the tears in my eyes, the lump in my throat that somehow allowed groans to pass through. It was a supernatural moment, a defining moment for me in yielding to God’s plan on this earth even when it hurts like nothing I’d ever experienced before.
During college, Bryan and I played in a couple of music groups together which served as a catalyst for a friendship that was indispensable to me. Some of my best memories were from a summer tour with Celebration (small group from APU) where we traveled the country with an incredible group of friends playing in churches and ministering to people along the way. We dreamed of playing music together, writing a book together…he was such the opposite of me...a visionary, a feeler, always living in the moment. I remember hanging out under stars in Oklahoma, going through tornado warnings in Nebraska, talking while overlooking Niagara Falls…my experience with Bryan taught me a lot about life.
He showed me that the Holy Spirit is always unpredictable, so there should be an element of that in our life all the time. He showed me that friendship is deeper when rooted in a common pursuit of God…a journeying together. He showed me that ministry, the beautitudes, the fruits of the spirit are just the natural outcome of authentic intimacy with God, not contrived self willed betterment. He showed me that it shouldn’t be weird to spend days of quiet time with God. He showed me what its like to hurt, to hurt for others, to hurt WITH others…empathy was his companion and many were drawn to him for that. Bryan lived in such a way that made me ask, “What is my life about, what are my priorities, what are God's priorities for my life?”
At this very instant Bryan is in heaven- probably singing Tommy Walker tunes. I’m not sure God has favorites, but he did like a few people a whole lot. You know, David, Peter, Paul…it seems that God just had something special for them and I think Bryan is right there with them. His life wasn’t perfect but it’s not about perfection…he had his share of hurts and doubts, maybe more than his share, but I have no doubt that he is one of Gods favorites, if He has them and my hunch is He does.
I want Bryan to be a part of our family culture, so I talk to Ryder about him sometimes…today we talked. I reminded Ryder of some of Bryan and my memories together; music, rich conversation, pursuing God…why I loved him so much. Ryder and I talked about how great heaven is. We talked about why Cole is named after him. After all this talk of these experiences, my feelings and heaven - you know what Ryder centered on?
“Does Bryan miss you Daddy?”
“Does Bryan miss you Daddy?”
At first I sort of brushed it off, “Well you know heaven is pretty good so I’m not sure he misses me.” But now that I really sit in that question, it is more profound to my life than I may want to acknowledge. It’s a telling question because- if I’m honest- this is the question I most want the answer to. If I am missed than I know Bryan cherished our friendship as much as I did. If he didn’t -I’m sort of playing the fool. Why is this so risky for me? Some might say as long as our friendship was incredibly meaningful to me than that is all that matters…but I’m still hung up.
“Does Bryan miss you Daddy?”
“Does Bryan miss you Daddy?”
I think so… God, I hope so… because I miss him dearly.
I guess I just want to know that the people I love so much, love me too...to know that my value of them is reciprocated on deep and rich levels of relationship that in reality beg the question, is love worth it? Ryder might as well be asking…"Dad, should I love my friends as much as you do?" Because if they don't miss you when gone, it might not be worth it. Sometimes we know they do, sometimes we forget they do…
Ryder…it’s worth it.
Bryan - I know Heaven's good, so I’m not sure you miss me but I miss you. I look forward to seeing you on the other side.
Your friend,
I guess I just want to know that the people I love so much, love me too...to know that my value of them is reciprocated on deep and rich levels of relationship that in reality beg the question, is love worth it? Ryder might as well be asking…"Dad, should I love my friends as much as you do?" Because if they don't miss you when gone, it might not be worth it. Sometimes we know they do, sometimes we forget they do…
Ryder…it’s worth it.
Bryan - I know Heaven's good, so I’m not sure you miss me but I miss you. I look forward to seeing you on the other side.Your friend,
John
Beautiful.
Love and memories. I hadn't read this 'til today. What's interesting is that this morning (I didn't go to bed 'til like 6:30), I had a dream that I was watching clips from Bryan's life and just weeping. I think it was triggered by Kirsten and I being at Walgreen's last night.... Remember his Indiana Jones hat? There were a bunch of straw hats (not the same) that reminded me of him wearing that hat, regardless of what people said about it, lol. I think the answer to the question lies in the life he lived and the conversation you had while he was present; that he intended to come back, that he wanted to restore and rebuild friendship, that he loved you/us all, regardless of how distant his life had been from ours, at times. I know he'd be loving on your adorable children and praising your godly wife and marriage.
What a beautiful entry.... I loved how you included Ryder in your conversation. He will grow up to be a wise caring man, just like his daddy.... and like Bryan too.
Mr. Burdett, you are a good man of God. Well written memory! Thanks for inspiring me, Sara, and Justine to live for Him and love like he loved. You're too awesome!
I've been trying to locate my friend Bryan for a while now. I met Bryan years back when he lived in Fort Smith, Ar and visited him a few times when he went to work in Iowa. I lost touch with him over the years. My heart sunk and was crushed to find that he has passed.
We became great friends in the time that I was blessed to know him and the world is a less without him in it. I take comfort to think of Bryan in a better place. I have to smile at the conversations we had and the life well lived.
Timothy Babb