Helloooooo blogosphere! What is up! (cue funk band intro music as I walk to center stage for the monologue...
It has been 10 years and one day since I married Danice and this extra day has afforded me significantly more wisdom than I had yesterday let alone the past ten years. What shall I do with this wisdom?
Well…Danice asked that I share a lil’ sumthin’ as I reflect on ten years of marriage. As fate would have it Tim Keller posted an article entitled “You NEVER Marry the Right Person” that parallels many of my own thoughts. The article brings to light the tension between an expectation of marriage based on a biblical view of humanity and the expectation (seemingly) of marriage from a non-biblical viewpoint. You should read the article in its entirety—but I’m going to highlight two points that resonated with me.
This topic is also interesting to me as I recently came across a survey indicating only 51% of adults are married (which isn’t particularly noteworthy) however attitudes towards the purpose, nature, functionality of marriage are dramatically changing. On the whole the study revealed that people are asking the question; "What is marriage good for?" "What self fulfillment will it bring me?" This shouldn’t be that surprising as the claws of anti-modernist thinking scratch through the proverbial modernist couch leaving any vestibule of modernity (marriage being one of its core components) barely recognizable. Should Christians be concerned? Is marriage under attack? Maybe, but I think the more useful response is to be an agent of change by understanding God’s view of marriage through His word and demonstrating it. I digress…
I remember reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus along with other relational/marriage books as early as a freshman in college. I really wanted to try and grasp the female mind—to apply myself to understanding ‘their’ unique thoughts, desires, etc. I think this is similar to what many people do. They take personality tests, strengths tests, character tests….all to help them/me search for the most compatible, the most right, the ‘one’. While practically this is somewhat wise, it is not where I (and perhaps you) should be placing all our chips.
Keller references Duke ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas, who says:
Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.
We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.
Wow. Yes. I agree. There is a lot here but two points now.
First, wholeness and happiness don’t come from our wives or spouses. They might reflect it, benefit from it, enjoy it, but they aren’t causal in the wholeness equation. As Christians, wholeness comes from Christ alone through the sanctification of the Holy Spirit. (That is He initiates more righteous, more holy, more love--living in us and we respond in obedience). I have found though, that my marriage relationship is the perfect gauge for my own wholeness and if I’m tuned to it, I can see where growth in myself must occur for the next step in wholeness.
Second, ‘loving and caring’ for a stranger to whom I find myself married. Fantastic!
How much have I changed in the last year let alone the last ten. What if Danice saw me as now… ten years ago? Marrying John was not really a commitment to marring John, but who John is going to become—the unknown future John. What a risk.
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Thoughts from Danice:
So yes, I'm married to a man whose been doing a lot of dissertation writing this days! He's the smarty-pants in the family, but once I dissect certain sentences and look up the meaning of certain words and phrases, what I find is true. :) Marriage is not choosing a person you think you know everything about, and decide you like most of what you see. You can probably tell from the choice of the article, the last 10 years haven't all been rosy :) The last 4 years especially have brought their share of pressures on our marriage through a cross-country move, finding out about Cole's deafness, adding 2 girls to our 2 boys all while John chipped away at grad school by day and worked all other hours for the marching band :) While in IL, someone once asked us, "How has your marriage survived these past 3 years?" We looked at each other and smiled quietly, knowing each other's answer before either one of us spoke. "Jesus." He sustains those who trust in Him. I don't know how He does it, He just does. He's God. Ask Him yourself. Once you experience His presence, the struggles in life like...sleepless nights with a newborn...long work shifts that keep you apart...chronic illness...or other challenges marriages face, start to seem more like annoying thorns on the stem of a rose rather than bulldozers that level your house. What power will you give difficult circumstances in your life? Will you let them derail you or allow Christ to meet you, be near you and transform you through them?
Marriage is much like our walk with Christ...a long obedience in the same direction. The one thing you can count on is being broken along the way. The question is...will you allow yourself to be transformed (by the power of the Holy Spirit) in the process or just stay broken, and try to get comfortable? For anyone choosing the later, I'll save you some time and trouble...you can never get comfortable in your brokenness, though the enemy will do his best to convince you otherwise. Marriage...another reason to journey with Christ. Through obedience, in time, He makes all things beautiful. And by His grace...uses us for His glory!!!
Beautiful post. Happy Anniversary!
Thank you, Elaina! I'm glad you're back!!!