I was about to go to sleep tonight, and remembered something I didn't want to forget...so that means I'm going to share it with you so that we can all learn a bit from my Cole...
If you're new to our journey, I want to say...thank you. Thank you for journeying with us...for making space in your day to check on how God is stirring in our family in a particular moment. If you've just recently joined us and haven't been properly introduced to my family yet, forgive me. You'll get a formal introduction soon...but for now, I want you to meet Cole.
Cole is 4, likes dinosaurs and running (or really, moving as fast as he possibly can at all times on foot, bicycle or by motor vehicle), loves playing make-believe with his older brother or younger sister...sometimes at the same time, and giving his baby sister as many kisses as she can handle.
Cole was also born deaf. Since he was 18 months old, he's worn cochlear implants (CI's) and although he doesn't hear what you and I hear, his brain is interpreting the input from his implants in a way that he does 'hear', (to the glory of God for giving man the idea for such a unique and miraculous kind of device!)
Since the time he received his implants, Cole has mostly been fine with wearing them all waking hours. Especially now that he's older and able to carry on amazing conversations and hilarious laugh fests with his older brother, Cole wakes up in the morning, ready and waiting for his CI's. He usually puts them right on and is off to enjoy what the day has to offer...
On Friday, we picked Ryder up from Kindergarten, and jumped in the car. I was telling the kids that we had to go meet Daddy at work so that he could take the other 3 kids back home while Cole and I went to speech therapy. Cochlear implants have given Cole the chance to be a part of the hearing world and he loves that, but anytime his CI's keep him from doing what everyone else is doing...he is not a happy boy.
We had one of those moments that day in the car. Once he found out we would be leaving the family (and any fun they'd be having) so he could go to speech therapy, he immediately turned sour and said the following things I don't want to forget...
"Awww, mom! Why do I have to go to speech and they don't! At Ryder's school, I don't see any 5 year olds with cochlear implants! When I'm 5, I'm not wearing my implants anymore! It's not fair! Why do I have to wear implants and none of you do?" and with crossed arms, cliched fists and head down, he sat in his car seat, having made his peace with the world...
I was driving and taking in as much as the rear-view mirror could give me of my boy's heart from the front steering wheel, all the way to his car seat in the 3rd row. I just wanted to hold him in my arms, rock back and forth and say, "I know sweetheart...I know...It's not fair. None of it is," but I couldn't. I was driving to speech therapy...the responsible thing to do, when all I really wanted was to take it all in...every tear, every thought, both crossed little arms and tightly cliched fists. I wanted to absorb his pain with my compassion, my presence, my love for him.
But I learned a long time ago, that I will never be enough for my boy. Oh, I'll love him with every fiber of my being and petition the God who made Him to be enough for Him again each day, but God taught me long ago that the most dangerous place a mother can rest is right in between her child and His maker. No...I'll never be enough, and I'm not even going to try...but I'll do everything I possibly can to show him who IS.
While Cole was sitting...arms folded and head down after sharing the rough places of his heart...the word that resonated with me was...WHY?
"Because God made you very special, Cole," I practically shouted to be heard from the front seat. "Some people need wheelchairs to walk, some need glasses to see...everybody needs help with something!"
Then something happened that was beautiful and can only be described as God-INSPIRED...
Ryder chimed in, "Yeah Cole...like the kids at my school who use walkers to walk, or wheelchairs...there are a lot of people who need to use things to help them! Or like the place Gramma works where Joni Eareckson Tada is. She can't move her arms or legs and needs a wheelchair too...."
And as his brother spoke to him, the veil of frustration was lifted from my boys face...if his brother said it would be okay, than it would. And with a deep breath and a look out the window...Cole must've decided to put his discontented spirit to rest...for now.
What a beautiful thing it is to be honest before the Lord and man and say..."It's not fair!!! I'm mad!!!" God's given us all a story...and I think at the root of that story, is a bit of that same sentiment.
Thankfully, instead of walking away from us, God gently agrees and offers us the most unfair offer in the history of the world.
His life in place of ours.
What do you do with that kind of grace?
The next two posts will talk about precisely that...
Until then, would you help me thank my boy for sharing his heart with us today? If you'd be so gracious (and I hope you will!) help me start a journal of thoughts from others about how his journey has impacted others. I've told him that God has big plans for him...and I realize that most of the time, we never realize the reach of that impact...that's a good thing. But in this case, if you'd like me to pass a message on to him someday, from you...now is your chance. To God be the glory.
I have tears. Again. You write so well and I thank you for sharing your journey. We all need some kind of help.
I love when God uses kids to help. :) Sometimes they just seem to be imparted with the perfect things to say and the right time.
Thank you, Carrie...you're right, we DO all need some kind of help, and thankfully God is One who always gives us exactly what we need! I'm praying He does that for you today!
I agree, Andrea!!! Ryder has been used many times to say jut what I think was on God's heart at the moment I needed to hear it the most. God is gracious to speak to us through our kids!