Today's guest post is written by a dear friend of both John and I. If you had the honor of meeting Casey, you'd immediately know what I mean when I say that this woman loves Jesus and loves people. She is someone who inspires everyone she meets with her enthusiasm, passion and zest for the life she's been given. Her every breath points others toward hope in Christ, and this post is no different. I cannot thank her enough for opening her heart to us all, so that God can minister to those going through a similar circumstance. To those who find themselves divorced, this is especially for you...In this Valentine season, know that YouAreLoved.
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I have to confess. This is my eighth draft of this. I have written, ‘Divorce: a survival guide’, I’ve done funny, serious, heart-wrenching, etc but as I look over each of those, they just seem to fall flat. Though I think there are some early shoots of good ideas (perhaps a future post?) they all seemed to cerebral…too unemotional. Let’s just come out and say it; they seemed like I was trying too hard! So, as has always been my way, I’m just going to put it out there. I’m going to simply tell you what is going on in my life, how it feels and how the Lord is working.
I’m sure if we were sitting across the table enjoying a cup
of tea rather than screen to screen, this is the point where my eyes would fill
with tears as I try to put into words the way it feels to be broken, and yet
the indescribable hope that I have in the midst of what has turned out to be
the greatest failure of my life.
But, I’m getting ahead of myself—let me back up.
I am divorced. It is a scary, sad, lonely, difficult
word. It just seems so final! And for me, someone who has always
lived with optimism, hope and an easy-going spirit, it stops me short and
steals my breath every time I say it.
As a believer, I never thought
I would be here. I stood before
the Lord and vowed (not often in our life we have to vow) to love my husband forever; and I meant it! And if we were sitting enjoying that
cup of tea, I’m sure you’d hear the whole story and your reaction would be one
of understanding. I am sure you
would tell me that I am ‘justified’ in ending my marriage but that’s not the
point. The point today is how I
feel about myself as a Christian with a failed marriage. The fact that I have ‘biblical
justifications’ for my divorce is cold comfort when in my heart I feel
embarrassed, sad, lonely, bitter, angry, unworthy, ashamed—when I feel like a
failure.
If you are reading this
post and you have never dipped your toe in the nasty water of a divorce, take a
minute to be thankful! The thing
that I don’t think people can understand is just how broken, deformed and
incomplete a divorce can make you feel.
If you believe that when you are married, you and your spouse are
spiritually joined together, then you can imagine how painful the separating of
two spirits can be. It is, without
question, as unnatural and painful as separating flesh from bone, limb from
body. It hurts! And as painful as it is, do you know
what the strongest emotion I feel is?
Embarrassment. Shame! I am ashamed to be a woman of God who
was unable to make my marriage work.
I am convinced that people look at me and think, “Well, it takes two to
tango. I’m sure she could have
tried harder.” I am sure you all
have had an experience like this: you trip and fall (or somehow injure
yourself) in a public place and though you are in pain, the overriding emotion
is embarrassment so you act like you’re fine! It’s shocking to me the emotions that can take a backseat to
embarrassment. We can withstand serious injuries to anything but our
pride. And in my case, I didn’t
walk into a sliding glass door, I failed in the most intimate human
relationship I have and it’s embarrassing.
So that’s what you need to know
moving forward. The process of
divorce is a tangle of emotions so deep and complex that it would take a better
writer than me to describe. But,
as is so often the case in my spiritual journey, when I am broken or tired or
not able to continue in my own strength, I am driven to the cross. I find myself at the feet of Jesus
trying to make sense of the senseless. And if the depth of the brokenness is
equal to the depth of the searching, you can imagine that I have spent a lot of
time wrestling with the Lord and with my emotions and here’s what I’ve come up
with so far. Shame, anger,
bitterness, fear, self-loathing are not of the Lord. As you look at the nature of God, none of these descriptors
apply. Our God is a God of mercy,
peace, love, righteousness, yes, but also, tenderness, compassion, and
redemption.
In those early days of
separation when I railed against the Lord, when I shouted at what I presumed to
be ‘injustice’; when it really became official and people started finding out
and I was ashamed, God reminded me that, “ALL have sinned and fall short of the
glory of God” Romans 3:23. He also
gently reminded that, “The wages of sin is death” Romans 6:23a and when I get
SO wrapped up in the pain of my sin, I often forget the rest of that verse;
“but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” Romans
6:23b. Oh praise the Lord that
there is a ‘rest of that verse’!!!! THAT’s the real point, isn’t it? We ALL have sinned and NONE of us
deserve God’s grace and yet simply by
accepting it, we get the free gift of eternal life.
As I wallowed in self-pity, I would often hear God saying,
“Really, Casey? You’re going to
focus on how you ‘feel’ rather than shout from the rooftops that, though you
are woefully inept at doing life right, you have the love of the Creator of the
universe?” That was a bit sobering
and so I committed to start each day focusing on the nature of God. To make the choice to daily put myself
in my place and to remind myself that through
the blood of Christ alone, I am
worthy. In my case, it’s being
divorced, but really, it can be any sin; any feeling of unworthiness anything
we are ashamed to confess. It is a
victory of the enemy to take our focus off the miracle of what Christ has done
for us and get us to live away from that truth.
I am a big fan of the Harry Potter series. (Dweeby, I know!) In the series, the ‘bad guy’ is a wizard
named Lord Voldemort. People...(well
the witches and wizards) are so scared of him that they refuse to say his name;
referring to him as, ‘you know who’ or ‘he who can’t be named’. Isn’t it so with sin as well? The things we are too scared to name, to
talk about, to confess are the things that have power over us. In my case, being a chief player in a
failed marriage. But that’s not the point! The point is this, ALL have sinned, the wages of sin is
death but we are given a gift of eternal life. AND, as if that’s not enough,
while here on earth, we are doubly blessed to get to be in a relationship with
God and the Holy spirit can live in us and replace all those negative feelings
and emotions with, “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, self-control” Galatians 5:22-23a.
Whatever the ‘Voldemort’ is in your life, it is not of God
and it can be replaced with one of these fruits. If we are focusing on the ‘real point’ if we are, “fixing
our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set
before Him endured the cross, despising the shame” (Heb 12:2) then it is very hard to wallow in self-pity for
long. Now, don’t get me wrong…this
is easier said than done. I do not
claim that I have mastered this process. But, I do see that when I ‘fix my eyes
on Jesus’ when I remember the ‘point’ I am full of love, joy, peace, patience,
etc. And that is far more pleasant
than being full of shame, anger, bitterness, loneliness, self-pity.
I have never been lucky enough so see someone be ‘healed in
the name of Jesus’. I know it happens;
I believe it and I would like to see it someday. But I have seen something no
less miraculous in my life. I feel
myself beginning to heal. Where my
spirit was torn by separation, I feel God’s love and mercy healing me every
day. My process of healing has
been through a variety of ‘treatments’.
Certainly spending time with the Lord has been of utmost
importance. But I have been healed
by sharing laughter and tears with dear friends. One night that sticks out in my memory as a turning point
was going to dinner at a friend’s house and though they are dear friends they
didn’t know the details of what was going on in my life; my little Voldemort.
As I shared my heart and story and we all
sat around the table and wept, I felt a small taste of the Lord’s compassion to
me. I know Jesus would have been
weeping too, had he been at that table.
I am thankful for friends who let me burst into tears at a Christmas
party (true story) or who let me call and cry on the phone with them. I am thankful for a family who has met
my needs in ways I can’t even begin to describe. Each of these friends, every
one of these experiences has shown me a character of God that I may have
otherwise forgotten.
I love the story in Exodus 17 where Israel is fighting
Amalek and whenever Moses holds up his hands, Israel prevails, and when he lets
his hands down, Amalek prevails so Aaron and Hur came and hold up Moses’ hands
until the end of the battle. The only piece of advice I have for someone
who is going through this (or any difficult time) is to find an Aaron and a Hur
(or, in my case a bunch of Aaron’s and Hur’s) to hold up your hands. Surround yourself with people who can
help you focus on the true nature of God and rest in the miraculous healing of
the cross. How powerful is it to
tell others that though we are broken, the Lord has made us whole.
I am heartbroken.
I grieve the loss of my marriage.
I worry about my children—but I have confidence in the mercy, the
provision, and the love of the Lord.
And when I fear that I am far from the Lord or that I am somehow not
good enough, God’s word reminds me that, “neither death, nor life, nor angels,
nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor
height, nor depth, nor any other
created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in
Christ Jesus our Lord” Romans 8:38-39.
That’s a pretty comprehensive list! What a comfort for a woman reeling from the pain of
separation from her earthly husband to be ensured by the word of God that nothing can separate me from God’s
love. Just in the same way that as a young girl abandoned by my father, I
sought a perfect father in God; today as a not so young lady abandoned by my
husband, I seek the Lord in a true example of a perfect husband—a lover of my
soul! Today, I like to think of my
divorce as a love story. Though it
has been painful beyond words, it has reminded me of the perfect love that I
have in God. As I sit here
and write this on Valentine’s day, that
verse is better than any Hallmark card and when I look around and see all these
expressions of love, I will choose
not to focus on what I don’t have but instead to be reminded of the perfect love
of Jesus.
Beautiful...that's the only word I can muster. Thank you Casey :)
Case...YOu know I pray everyday for you.
I am so thankful that I can place you in the arms of Our LORD who I know holds you.
Thank you for you honesty. Thanks for being "real".
Know how much we love you.
Agreed. This is beautiful.
Silvia
Thank you Casey! The Lord is using you! I love you!
Casey, those are all the feelings i have felt & still feel on occassion. You have no idea how endearing it is to have you put it all in words on paper. The LORD is good. He will not put us through what we cannot overcome or handle. I am here as sister in Christ if you ever need to talk. I know exactly how you feel and appreciate this blog more than you know.
My prayers are with you,
Kylee Bower
Casey, these are truly beautiful words. It is truly incredible that the Lord is able to use our stories to minister to others even in our depths. You have constantly been in our prayers and will continue to me. Thank you for having the vulnerability to share your story. I praise the Lord that He is still writing it and look forward for what is still left to come:) I love you.
Thank you. Thank you. I don't know you, you don't know me, and I don't know the details of your situation, but your words are so honest and pure about a subject that seems to me to be so misunderstood by so many. Thank you for putting words to such a tragedy, one I have experienced myself so recently. Your words make me feel understood, they are validating, sweet, and healing. I love your description of it as a "love story", that rings so powerfully true to me. Amen, sister! Healing, peace, and victory belong to us in the precious name of Jesus. Thank you, again, for sharing, this brought the tears afresh and therefore has become a part of MY healing process...
Proud to know you, Casey. I have to believe that God's healing will come to many by way of reading your assuring and vulnerable words.
Blessings on you.
Jay
You are LOVE! You are LOVED! You are precious! Your testimony is one of strength, truth and honor! It is a privilege to call you sister in Christ! You are NEVER alone!Your boys will always know the heart of their momma! One of integrity, passion, truth, love, perseverance...and one that will always pray them to be men after God's own heart! You are surrounded by all of us with love Casey! For being broken is the very place God will bring healing, provision, and restoration! His plan is far greater than we could ever imagine and it will be with such beauty that it is laid out before you in the years to come! xoxo Love you always, Jen P
Thank you for putting to words the truths I've been learning through the very struggle you went through. Praise God He loves. He loves so much that He allows the hard times to knock us to our knees, and receive a gift so much more precious than anything the hard times can dish out (I say that because it's truth even if it doesn't feel that way at times)!