Our Inspired Journey

Just after our 2^nd child was born, there were signs that we were losing our romantic feelings and strong attraction to one another. I could feel Jeff pulling away from me emotionally and he could feel me pulling away physically. Neither of us could really pin point what the problem was exactly but it slowly became our “normal” daily routine to get through each day without much connection or kindness. One day, I came home to a note on the gate of our front courtyard to our condo. Our mortgage was in default and our home was going to be auctioned. I was in complete shock. Jeff handled all of our finances and had not mentioned anything to me about any non-payments. He ended up sharing with me that many bills were not being paid because we didn’t have enough to cover everything after a recent change in our income. This explained the relational problems we were having. Jeff was holding on to this secret, trying to deal with it on his own, and as a consequence was pulling away from me.

This was the start of what I now call the “refinement” of our marriage. I will never forget the day I came home to this shocking news. I looked at Jeff and didn’t know who he was. Questions raced through my head like “why did he keep me in the dark?”, “how could he do this to me and the kids?”, “why isn’t he taking care of me like he vowed on our wedding day?” The reality was that we were both responsible for this state of being but since he was handling everything without my help, I was only able to see where he had failed at that time and felt extremely hurt that he spent many months keeping this from me. I now know that he believed keeping this from me would protect me from the stress of having to deal with it and he now knows that keeping secrets like this in marriage is never worth it…it will always destroys trust. Honesty is essential for a thriving marriage.

We spent the next few months straightening out the mess of our finances, including a loan modification for our mortgage and the decision that I would handle everything moving forward. With our finances on the mend, our relationship was another story. We were doing our best to spend time in prayer and as a couple we even created a daily prayer that we printed and hung on our bedroom wall so we could pray it every day. As is so often the case, prayers are not answered exactly as we would hope and expect. We both had scars that would not heal overnight. I didn’t feel I could trust him anymore because I didn’t understand how he could keep something like this from me and I wasn’t sure how I could believe he wouldn’t do it again with something else. On the other side, he saw me going to my parents for help with all this, which was something I did often since the beginning of our marriage and therefore was one of the reasons why Jeff felt he needed to keep this from me. He began to feel like he was no longer the man of the house. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was taking away his dignity by not giving him the chance to make this right. Instead of working through this mess as team with my spouse, I chose to essentially “push Jeff aside” so that my parents and I could clean up the mess as quickly and effectively as possible. I was forgetting that when I got married I joined with Jeff as “one flesh” and nothing he had done gave me the right to break that unity.

Either one of us could have easily let this go from bad to worse by allowing our pride to rule and we were both guilty of that at times and sometimes pride became almost a way of life. We didn’t feel love toward one another and on our worst days it felt like we were holding on just for the sake of the kids. We both love our kids so much and their presence allowed dark days to seem less gloomy. However, the kids could not be the band aid forever. We started counseling shortly after and began to say things out loud that we had been holding inside. There is a real power in speaking the complete truth of your thoughts and feelings no matter how ugly they are. I remember saying things that forced me to deal with my own selfishness and bitterness. Once you say it out loud, you realize how broken you really are.

Brokenness…the acceptance and admission of this posture had to be attained by both Jeff and I in order to begin to heal. “…for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) I find it amazing that in order for God’s strength to be used in our lives, we MUST be weak. Of course we are all weak no matter if we are willing to admit it or not but when we admit it and go even further by surrendering to it, His power begins to take hold of our lives.  My favorite devotional book is “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. Ironically, Jeff bought it for us to read together daily just after we started counseling. It is filled with messages received by the author from God while laying down her cares and seeking only His presence. One of these messages from God that she shares is this: “Bring me your weakness and receive My peace. Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are, remembering that I am sovereign over everything.” This is exactly what Jeff and I started to do day by day. We began to turn our focus from what we were feeling toward one another to His presence and His truth. This is where the journey started to move through the fire and into the renewal and refinement of our relationship.

As we turned our eyes to God, we were able to make the daily choice, and sometimes momentary choice, to serve one another as we vowed to do on our wedding day. At that time, God did not change our monetary circumstances from difficult to easy nor did he even change our struggle with feeling negative feelings toward one another. I still felt unsure if I truly “knew” Jeff and could trust him and Jeff still felt disrespected by me. Here’s where the Truth of our God can rock our world. We will always have struggles in this world but…the Truth shall set you free and God revealed His powerful Truth to both Jeff and I in regards to our marriage: Love is not a feeling. It is a daily commitment to give grace, sacrifice, and humbleness. There is no feeling that can beat the awesome depth of relationship achieved through true sacrificial love. Jesus modeled it for us perfectly as he literally died for our sins. His thoughts were of us and for us as he hung on a cross.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This was our wedding verse. Submission is defined as “yielding to another’s desires without resistance.” As Christians we are called to submit ourselves unto the Lord. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37) This is the greatest commandment but we are not forced by God. It is a choice we have to make. The same is true in marriage. We should not be forced to submit to our spouse. We must chose daily to yield to one another instead of demanding our own way. Now I don’t know about you but I found this fairly easy to do when there were “feelings” of desire and joy between us. It’s when we are faced with the reality that we are married to a human being and all that comes with that, that we can easily “justify” our pride and selfishness. I have to say that I have never experienced the Holy Spirits presence more powerfully then when I have chosen to humble myself and shown grace to another even though, in the world’s eyes, the grace is undeserved and when the world would even see me justified in my anger. This is what it means to “love.” It is an act of the will and it shows it’s true beauty when it goes against feelings and emotion.

Today I can say that my marriage is strong because by the grace of God, both my husband and I have committed to a life sought after Jesus and His call on our lives to submit to one another out of reverence for Him. This commitment to put God first in our daily lives has created a new found romance in our marriage and a deep appreciation for one another. We approach our daily struggles from a different perspective nowadays because we are better equipped to love and serve each other from a humble posture. It is truly remarkable how He has transformed my husband’s view of money and finances. We took the Dave Ramsey “Financial Freedom” class at our church and were able to get on the same page with our goals and plan for our financial future. I don’t even know how to explain the peace that fills our home when Jeff and I walk hand in hand, in step with our Lord, toward a mutual goal. Talk about an answer to prayer. I have become a strong believer in the power of prayer and have witnessed the faithfulness of God to answer in His perfect timing and in His perfect way. I have also become truly and honestly grateful for the experience of almost losing our home and the pain and desperation that came with it. I have found myself praying for more humbling experiences where all I can do is fall on my face because by this example alone, I can tell you that it is when I am flat on my face that I most sincerely understand the greatness of the God I am serving…a God that makes beauty from ashes. My God transformed my marriage into a story of grace and hope that Jeff and I want to share with you all as a reminder of His glory.