Aren't they sweet? I love the "arms open wide" way these little ones live life...they inspire me to live more fully each day. As a mom, I have such a desire to protect them from pain, but this time...the Lord showed me that instead of shielding them from disappointment, we'd all grow closer to Him walking right in the middle of it...together.
Today we got word, that we didn't get the house...again. We've been house hunting for well over a year since we've been back from Illinois, and we've gotten close a couple times, but never yet heard the words, "It's yours!"
House hunting is a funny thing...funny because in order to get to the place where you are willing to sign away your life savings, you have to sort of envision yourself there! You have to be willing to move in if you're going to write an offer...because it just may become yours. The "funny" or rather terribly painful part, is that you also have to go into every offer knowing that you just may not come out with the keys in hand. In this market (and our price range) especially, there are usually several offers on the same house. Several people have all done the same thing...pictured their bed in the bedroom, their table in the kitchen and their kids playing in the backyard, before signing away their intent to move in, if given the chance.
We did that this week.
Rather half-heartedly, we went to look at a few possibilities this past weekend, only to find a place that we all loved. Right now, going to look at a house means we try our best to contain our four excitable children as we carefully snoop around someone else's home...it's not exactly easy. Bringing the kids along also means, they get attached, real quick.
We walked into a house this weekend, that we were seeing for the first time. It wasn't long before the boys found a window in one of the bedrooms, and pried a space in the blinds with their little fingers to check out the backyard. Ryder's jaw dropped and he spun around slowly as if to say, "I've never seen anything so beautiful!" Now mind you, this backyard was raw...just a rectangle of patchy grass. But when my boys got outside, they ran and skipped around as if they had just arrived at Disneyland. Cole leaned down to the weed-infested grass and said, "Mom, look! There are even clovers!" and with a gleam in his eye, we was hooked. I could see it happening as they ran around in the space they'd found...they loved this house.
When we got home, we prayed and decided to put an offer on it that day. The boys were giddy, and making plans to put a football field out back. When I mentioned thoughts of a garden, they quickly reminded me that nothing could get in the way of their football field. We signed papers, and knew we had a good chance of making this house our home. As we were leaving the office, Cole looked up at our realtor and said, "Did we buy the house?" She smiled, explaining to him that we were trying! We were all optimistic that it was finally our turn.
The next day we waiting for word about our offer. The kids asked me several times an hour if we had bought the house. I assured them that if it wasn't that one, another would come along, trying in my heart to prepare for disappointment, even before it hit us. It wasn't just my heart I was trying to protect, but theirs as well. We had a moment during breakfast when a song came on our Pandora station. Sitting with my eyes closed as tears came to my eyes..."Jesus, you're my everything..." the song played and with an open heart I gave the house away. I've done this many times before...sat in full realization that what I hope for isn't mine at all, and every time I do, I am changed.
"It's true boys and girls. Do you realize that even if we don't get this house, that we still have everything we need because we have Jesus? Let's go around and say why we are thankful for Jesus today..."
"I'm thankful He gave me..."
One after another my sweet kids went around and said they were thankful for THINGS God has given them.
"Yes...we are SO blessed to have the things we do, but even if it was all taken away and we don't get this house that we want...we still have everything, because we have Jesus."
I'm thankful He came for me...
I'm thankful He died for me...
I'm thankful He promises to never leave me...
I'm thankful He is coming again!
It's good to practice being thankful for HIM over the things He's given.
There is something that happens that when I can thank the LORD with a fully grateful heart, for the things He has given us, and at the same moment envision them all striped away...It is only then that I feel fully satisfied, because I feast not on the blessings He's given me which moth and rust can destroy, but I am left with the one thing I can never be robbed of...the ONE God who promises to never leave me and supply all my needs in Christ Jesus...I'm left with only HIM.
So today...our broken hearts sit gently cupped by the the One who made them.
He calls to us, asking us to rest in His presence which I'll never have to win a bid in order to experience fully.
He whispers to me things my mind can't understand but my heart fully embraces as HE becomes my manna for the day.
He is MORE than enough for me. for us. today. forever.
House or no house, backyard or no backyard, and whether we pay a mortgage someday or rent forever is fully beside the most important point in all the world...
And He whispers..."Am I enough for you today?"
In my brokenness, I lean...without words but fully with my heart, into the One who promises me treasures unmeasurable by these worlds standards. And there, I find rest.
As painful as disappointment can be, if I let it, pain becomes my compass to the One who is waiting to satisfy the deepest longings I may have forgotten were there. And in my search for healing, I find Jesus, and am reminded that He really does love....even me.
Maybe it's not so bad losing a house after all....if in the losing, I find Jesus.
